Unmuck This Mangled Heart of Mine

I have always been an Audible books on tape gal for my commute, but my new secret pleasure is binge listening to Kara Loewentheil's "Unfuck Your Brain" podcasts.  I've got to love her alone for the title of her production, but I have take away thoughts to unpack on EVERY.ONE.OF.HER.SHOWS.  

During one of her podcasts she asks:

"How do you take stock of your life? Women value themselves conditionally - our stock rises and falls based on our looks, wrinkles, weight, hair, age, etc.  Do you want that to be in charge of how you feel about yourself?"  

Oh lord this is 100% true!  I find myself APOLOGIZING if I'm not on my game.  If for some reason I chose not to completely armor up for the day with stylish outfit, hair and makeup.  I just did it today!  I went to a last minute set visit.  I was wearing clunky heals that are loud on cement.  I tiptoed through the set and apologized for not wearing the right shoes for a visit.  They probably didn't even notice.  But women are SO self conscious of their looks at all times.  I took the attached picture the other day.  I loved the outfit I was wearing.  I was feeling kind of stylish for the first time in a long time.  I decided to post it on Facebook and received such posititve feedback I was amazed.  Then I did it to myself again.  I devalued the moment by mentioning I was tired and didn't have alot of makeup on.  My hair is back and not down.  I was lessening my stock.  Why do we do that?  I earned every wrinkle and grey hair.  I am no less valuable with my hair up than down.  We have learned to put the hair, makeup and outfit on as a sort of armor.  We can defeat all when we are looking fly.  Why can't we believe in ourselves when we aren't?

Dr. Shefali speaks of "soul erosion" in her book "A Radical Awakening".  Where women slowly lose their authenticity as they work to make themselves into a marketable package.  We don't realize how much we lose ourselves and the toll it takes on us to be what society deems is perfection.  We're self sacrificing in relationships... we're rescuers... fixers... and do everything we are conditioned to believe we must do to be validated.   Last year, I threw myself into my new role with gusto.  Saying "yes" to everything, being available for all travel and weekend work.  I knew if I just did everything that I'd prove myself to be invaluable and worthy of more.  One Saturday, after volunteering at our picnic all day, I fell asleep at the wheel and woke up seconds before I was about to hit a mailbox.  I swerved and was completely unnerved.  I mentioned the incident to my boss that Monday... Her response, "Yeah I've done that too."  Y'all, I've had time to ponder this interaction over the last couple of months.  It's just not right.  It shouldn't be acceptable that your employees are falling asleep at the wheel driving home.  Additionally, I might add that what I had done... all that extra work... was getting me nowhere other than potentially put me or someone else in a morgue.  I won't do that again.  It's a job that I love but there needs to be boundaries on the effect it (or any other job) has on my life...  I'm not apologizing for stepping back and saying I'm taking time for me daily.

I know as I say this that I'm still a work in progress.  I still say yes too much.  I still sacrifice my time and energy and I'm trying to find balance in this.  The last two years have been too much for me to handle at times.  I've hit rock bottom more than I have let on.  After Bill pulled the gun on my youngest and I... it took me months to get out of the house for anything other than work or food.  I hid, licking my wounds...  When I finally was ready to spread my wings again, the air that gave me lift evaporated with mom's illness and subsequent death.  I found myself as caretaker, doing the right thing as the only child.  Don't get me wrong, I don't regret a single day that I spent there while she lived.  I just know how much of my soul I've given doing the right thing since.  There is a balance to be found in living my life and being there for family... and my friends are finding that I have very rare moments that I'm capable of being available to them during this time.  If you're reading this, know you are loved.  I just need me time.  There are days I am going to disappear and I need you to accept that and not get angry or frustrated with me.  Something has got to give in my life right now, and I'm choosing me.

This morning I woke up knowing that I was standing on the ledge of depression.  I have been on a health journey that has been incredible for my confidence, but I have been so emotionally and physically exhausted from the last two weeks that I threw all my progress away and went straight to my normal crutches and vices.  I was lying in bed irritated at myself and with life in general.  I knew if I stayed in the house any longer I was in danger of sinking deeper into self pity and disgust.  I text a friend "I need you to inspire me to get up and explore.  I want to take a long walk somwhere but I don't know where to go."  He immediately sent me four places to check out.  I chose one, threw on clothes, grabbed a bottle of water, some fuelings, earbuds, my keys and I went out the door.  

I escaped the world for four wonderful hours.  Drove south down country roads and then took a five mile hike up to waterfalls.  I started that walk wanting to scream at the top of my lungs.  I marched down that trail hell bent on escaping life.  Halfway through the walk I turned off the music in my ears and started listening to the birds chirp and the stream bubble.  When I arrived at the waterfall I was so grateful to find that no one was there.  I spent time sitting on a bench, drinking my water and letting go of the noise that was in my brain.  When I got up to leave the spot, I reached down, put my hand into the water and did the sign of the cross.  Something I have not done in a long time, but it just felt right to acknowledge HIM surrounded by HIS gifts.

I walked back slower, calmer and in a better place in my head.  I was already thinking about where I can go next weekend.  That I need to give myself a day weekly to simply just not appease the masses.  To destress, decompress and reconnect with me.  As I walked along the trail I noticed a pile of branches that looked like a crazy mangled heart.  I thought that pile represented how I've been feeling lately.  As I continued on I started noticing rocks that looked like hearts.  If I had been in a relationship, I would have taken a picture and sent it to my significant other with a "look, there's love all around me..." and I realized that I needed to look at those hearts and think to MYSELF "look there's love all around me".  Love yourself.  Accept your crazy mangled heart.

When I got back to my car I was hot and sweaty.  It was 88 degrees here in Georgia today and I was craving peach ice cream.  I got into my jeep and started driving home.  About 15 minutes into the drive I saw a sign I hadn't noticed on the way down.  This huge beautiful banner waving in the breeze that said, "ICE CREAM" pointing down the road to a farm stand.  I thought to myself that I just have to give myself grace for this weekend and turned down that country road towards sweet salvation on this hot summer day.  I pulled into the farm stand, grabbed that frozen sin and loaded myself up with bags of green beans, banana peppers, and zucchini so I have the tools to reset myself tomorrow.  I am again mentally ready to continue the health journey I started.  

Today was a good day.  A much needed me day.  If you find yourself near Woodbury, Georgia, you should stop in at Fitzgerald Fruit Farm.  Lots of amazing fruit and vegetables for sale... and the peach ice cream, is definitely worth giving yourself grace for.  Choose Joy.  

"And she says, "Baby, when it's 3 am I must be lonely"

Well, heaven she says, "Baby, well, I can't help

But be scared of it all sometimes

And the rain's gonna wash away, I believe this" - Matchbox 20