My Sunday hikes are for me to get out, reflect, soul search and view the beauty that Georgia has to offer. I found that I was getting disgusted with my normal lazy Sundays. That I was sitting in my home and waiting for life to happen. I decided that one day a week I had to MAKE it happen. As I walk along these beautifully beaten park paths, I work through whatever is going through my head and usually end the walk with my spirits lifted. Today, as my jaw dropped in the beauty before me, I found myself sobbing because I didn't have someone to share that moment with. Don't get me wrong, I have gal pals that would join me in a heartbeat. It is just, at times, I wish I had someone to call or go home to that I could talk about that walk... share the pictures... or even better yet someone to just stop, rest my head on their shoulder and exhale as I take in these amazing vistas.
I feel the best I have in a decade and yet I am the loneliest I have been in a decade. There are days that I feel stuck in the quagmire of the self pity of loneliness. I've gone through the darkness of the last two years and I WANT to reach the light. I'm ready for a companion. I've put myself out there and I feel like it is truly just a joke to many. I have removed myself from two of the sites. I will remove myself from another when the period I paid for is over. Finding people to hang with or potentially date on line is simply not working. I knew it would be bad. My friends who have been single for years shook their heads when I told them I was going to try.
I wrote about the C names a few months ago. The playing whack a mole with the scammers. I've figured out how to spot one in moments and block them faster than they can swipe yes. I no longer mention names to my besties. The latest smooth talkers all have numbers now. There are four people I have been consistently talking to. Shall I give a quick rundown on them for you my friends?
Bachelor #8: I have been talking to for almost two months. He's very attentive. Checks in on me multiple times throughout the day. He's funny and cute. So what's wrong with him right? He's ghosted me twice when it came to meeting. Anyone else, I would have walked away from. I haven't from him. God knows why. He knows my trust and faith in him are very low. I honestly don't believe he will ever make the effort to try to go out with me... to even begin to make amends for those two times. Thus, I've learned to enjoy the friendly texts and accept him for who he is... as long as I don't take him seriously he can't hurt me again right? Even now as I type this I know what he's making for dinner and what he's doing tomorrow... He's obviously filling some need for me... Maybe I like banging my head on the wall? I know as you all are reading this you are screaming "RUN"!!! Maybe I believe in dark horses?
Bachelor #12: Is the most honest person I have talked to since I put myself on the online dating sites. He's not ready. I understand his reason. He wants a friend. We both understand what it is like to be left behind in the scorched earth that life sometimes brings. I AM trying to coax him out of his house to have a guy to hang out with. He doesn't believe that men and women CAN be just friends. In writing this right now, I think I need to go tease him about going to a dating site to find women friends but not believe you can be just friends. Hmmm.... There may be more "work" to do sweet Bach #12. LOL! Anyway, we have had a few deep honest conversations about where we are in life. It is nice to have someone that truly GETS this loneliness... the fear of attachment... the fear of not getting attached... the sadness of loss... To have the opposite sexes view is valuable. We have been talking for three weeks now. I know when he chirps in with a text that I am about to have 30 minutes of belly laughs, deep soul searching and witty banter.
Bachelor #15: Has also been around for about three weeks. He pipes in 3 times a day or so... Checking in. Saying hi. Asking my how I am doing and what I doing that day or the next. Three weeks of that. Very sweet.
Bachelor #16: Sweet, smart and funny.... We've been talking for about two weeks. Also checks in multiple times a day.
Do you see a pattern here? I like people who:
* make me laugh
* are smart
* attentive
Sounds like I've got a freaking harem right? That my nights should be filled with dates? At least my weekend nights right? What is it with everyone today though? How is it that NO ONE is trying to go out? Not a damn request for coffee... for a glass of wine... to join me on hikes... Oh, don't get me wrong, I've let people know they can join me. Crickets... or last minute back outs... I would really like to know what they are getting from endless texts and no meet ups? Is it just nice for them to THINK they have someone on the other line (text) that they can talk to or that might be wondering about their day??? Why go on these sites if you don't want to make someone real? This shizzle has changed so much since the 90s. I am at a complete loss of understanding.
So where am I after this long hike among majestic cliffs? I AM OVER IT. Bachelors #15 and 16 are about to hear crickets. I don't need the distraction of a text from someone that's not going to be a friend or a lover. The white towel is waving in the air. I'm going back to my original stance after my divorce - I'll find someone organically or not at all. After four months, I can say with zero doubt that online dating services are not the way I am going to find someone who actually will give three shits about me.
I'm over it. I know my worth. I know that I deserve so much more than what is half assed coming my way. God knows I am open to his blessings. I am unsure how to get out there and mix and mingle with people my age, but I am going to try.
I. WILL. NOT. SETTLE. I will find someone who makes me a priority. Who makes me feel cherished as much as I cherish them. I want to find someone who will sing to me when all the music dies. Who I can support and be supported by emotionally. Someone who laughs with me and understands my jokes.This can not be as good as it gets. It's been a good weekend for me but it's been rough too. I had a two hour facial yesterday and almost cried when she massaged my shoulders. I miss human touch. I miss giving someone I love a massage. I miss sooooo damn much. I don't need a man, but I'd really like to have one in my life again. I vehemently do not believe I was meant to spend my last 20 years rocking alone on a farmhouse porch - no my neighbor's cat does not count as a person.
I get angry. I get sad. Then I go for long walks... so I can do what I really want to do to make it all better...
Peach ice cream from a country stand.
I will survive.
Thanks for listening and letting me put it all out there...
Bachelors #8 and 12... You're still in. The rest of Oureharminderumble can kiss my grits.
The Time Of My Life - David Cook
I've been waitin' for my dreams
To turn into something I could believe in
And lookin' for that magic rainbow
On the horizon, I couldn't see it
Until I let go, gave into love
And watched all the bitterness burn
Now I'm comin' alive, body and soul
Feelin' my world start to turn
And I'll taste every moment and live it out loud
I know this is the time, this is the time to be
More than a name or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time, this is the time of my life
Holdin' onto things that vanished into the air
Left me in pieces
But now I'm risin' from the ashes
Finding my wings
And all that I needed
Was there all along within' my reach
As close as the beat of my heart.
And I'll taste every moment and live it out loud
I know this is the time, this is the tie to be
More than a name or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time, this is the time of my life
And I'm out on the edge of forever
Ready to run
Keeping my feet on the ground
Arms open wide, face to the sun.
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