Are You Hiding in The Comfort Zone?
"The place you hide in, that's your comfort zone. The more you hide in the comfort zone the less you're willing to deal with reality. If you can't tolerate pain you can't be fully alive. The comfort zone is supposed to keep your life safe, but what it really does is keep your life small."
Mic drop! Stop reading for a moment and re-read that statement. It is a mind-blowing slap in the face if you allow it to be. Where do I even START with how this resonates with me? I think I'll go for the onset of panic attacks after Bill pulled the AR-15 on me and a year later when my mother died. In both instances I was unable to leave the house without this new phenomenon happening to me. I had never had a panic attack before. I found myself doing Lamaze as I left to complete simple tasks like grocery shopping. I was hiding in my home and in my mother's home for a month after each event. I couldn't handle FEELING the pain. If I stayed in the familiar cocoon of home, I could breathe. That said, in the case of my mom's passing, after a while my safety net began to feel claustrophobic in the smallness that my life had become. I knew I had to reach back out to grab life again before I lost myself completely. It wasn't easy, I probably really wasn't ready, but I knew I had to push myself through this adversity or I'd lose me too.
"The moment someone definitely commits themselves, providence does too."
I have become a champ at pushing myself through adversity over the decades. At times I am a little slower on the uptake, but I always have that AHA moment when the gears shift and click onto the path that I am meant to be on. I LOVED being a flight attendant. At least for the first 10 years. I was lucky enough to have a second income and while I wasn't going to be wealthy anytime soon (flight attendants make very little and many DO qualify for food stamps if they aren't willing to work themselves to the bone) ... By 2020 I had jumped from my original airline to my sister airline to keep my longevity and retire with benefits (my old airline was dying). I had decided that I wanted to move up in the new airline. Become a base or regional manager. I had the degree and the experience; I was just an unknown. I did what I could to network. I ran for office in our non-union inflight association and was put on the board of directors. I was making sure I was seen and was earning the respect of upper management. In the meantime, Bill lost his shizzle and I found myself in the middle of a divorce... I went into negotiations for our latest contract with five people that had never been in negotiations before. They were threatened by this old chick's knowledge. The power plays they attempted with me and the lack of power they would present to the company had me shaking my head in frustration. One night, I'm in Las Vegas after a day of negotiations. I am over it all. I am disgusted with the games and lack of maturity in the group that I am in. I'm over trying to be tough and handling my life as a newly single woman that is supposed to have the support of the person she had married. I am over trying to climb up the ladder and playing the political games needed. I. AM. OVER. IT. I am sobbing hysterically at 8pm. By 11pm I attempt to go to bed because I am emotionally exhausted. But the Libra that I am that needs balance and harmony and I can't sleep. At 2am, I get back out of bed, and I get on my knees and pray. I tell God I don't know what more he wants. That I've been doing everything that I needed to do to grow in my life. To be a better person. To move up in my career. I say that I have done everything to get to the end zone of aviation life - I have fought to get to my lifetime benefits. I am almost the age of retirement.... and I need a sign. "Please God, give me a sign and let me know what I should do...."
In my head I hear... "This is your sign". I am a week away from being able to retire if I want to. Why am I still fighting to be in this industry that pays little when I need more, and I am unappreciated? I wiped my tears away. Shook my head yes. Stood up and went to the desk in my hotel room. Opened my laptop and searched for union jobs in Atlanta. Found one that looked exciting and applied. Two days later, I had a phone call requesting an interview. A month later I had a job offer. Six weeks later I retired and started the role that I am in. In an industry that I will absolutely stay in until I retire. He led me to where I needed to be. I just needed to listen.
"Things that hurt, instruct..." Ben Franklin
I have been reactive in my lifetime. I have done things that are self-destructive in an effort to stay in a perceived comfort zone. Fifteen years ago, I met the love of my life, my soul mate, the one I still measure others to. It wasn't a perfect relationship. We were on again, off again for six years. Towards the end it was downright toxic. Those around me know the whole backstory to that relationship. The long and the short of it, was every few months he'd run away from it. I would fall apart and then throw myself onto a dating website. Find someone to date, and then he'd show up again. I would run right back to him. He resented the fact that I ran to others when he broke up with me. At one point about a year in, one of my best friends told me during an "off" time that I knew he'd be back. She asked what I wanted and I said, "Him". She told me to cut the shizzle. I walked away from the people I had met. He showed back up again as we both knew he would... and a few months later he tried to walk away again. My response "I know you're coming back, I am not going down that road again, so I'll see you Monday." It worked. Every time he backed out of the relationship, I'd say the same thing and sure as shizzle, he'd be back again. I refused to react to his actions. I didn't give them power over me. I knew he was crazy for me and that he'd come back every time. The last three years there were no break ups. I finally walked away when alcohol took over his life. But the point of the story is, I believed in me. I believed in us. I didn't let HIS doubt affect me. The moment I told myself that I was hurting other people in my need to show I didn't need him, and that what I really wanted was him. I made the decision he was worth the wait.
"Real change requires that you change your behavior, not just your attitude."
I have been seeing that past relationship flash before my eyes recently. I am wondering if that was a lesson for the future me that I need to embrace. I am thinking that I need to push through my fears of being alone at an old age... to let go and let God do his thing again. I need to get off the online sites completely. I may need to be open to organically meeting someone, but more so, I am thinking that sitting in my own peace, while waiting for another to get through to his peace might just be worth it. I find myself thinking again, "I'm waiting. See you Monday".
God,
Don't give up on me yet
I know I'm not your best bet
But I'm trying
So, don't give up on me yet
And God
Don't leave me here alone
I know I need to grow, still
And I'm trying
Don't leave me here alone
I know I've come so far
But got so far to go
And with these brand-new scars
And this broken heart
It's hard to really know
If there's a reason
And if I'll ever see it
But, I wanna believe it
So, don't give up on me yet
God
I know it makes no sense
You love me time and time again
But, I still need reminding
Yeah, I know it makes no sense
I know I've come so far
But got so far to go
And with these brand new scars
And this broken heart
It's hard to really know
If there's a reason
And if I'll ever see it
But, I wanna believe it
So, don't give up on me yet
God,
I know I'm not the same
But, you knew that I would change
And I think that you're trying
To tell me it's okay
I know I've come so far
But got so far to go
And with these brand new scars
And this broken heart
It's hard to really know
If there's a reason
And if I'll ever see it
But, I wanna believe it
So, don't give up on me yet.
The King Will Come - Yet
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