This Journey I'm On

I haven't writting in a long time.  The last two years have been an emotional and physical journey for me. It occurred to me yesterday that I had shut down so much of myself after my ex left me standing in scorched earth. I shut out friends and family as my extrovert became an introverted recluse, licking my wounds, letting myself go... and yes, drinking too much. I can't even say it was a survival mode. It was more of a numbing paralysis. I functioned for work. Threw all my energy into my job, came home and crawled into a shell. By the end of last year, I was ready for change. My heart had healed, I'd spent many hours looking at my life and analyzing my navel. I knew it was time to metamorphosize into a better, newer version of me. 2023 was going to be my year of self-care. Ironically, I spent the first two months of 2023 taking care of my mother and step father. During the month of Janbruary (the two merged as 1 for me), I did a lot of soul searching. Losing a parent can do that for you. By the time I returned to Georgia, I knew it was time to make many changes in my life... I would start dating, let go of anything in my life that did not bring me joy, and it was time to start a health journey. 

 I want to live a happy and healthy life. Part of being healthy is looking at the stressors in my life, eliminating what I can and working on improving those I can't. Last year I had thrown my life into work, by the end of the year I was miserable with the stress work was causing. I had the typical American drive for more... work harder, climb up the career ladder, make more money... more more more... the two months I was gone gave me time to really think about what I was doing. I love my job. I love interacting with my members and they love me. I know I am making a difference at the level I am in. I make plenty of money to cover Maslow's hierarchy of needs.  Striving for more... something I didn't need, was simply not bringing me joy.  When I returned to work, I told my office I had no intention of climbing any ladders.  I was happy where I was at, and I wanted a life at home.

With renovations pretty much complete (don't get me wrong, I've still got a punch list and other home improvements I'd like to make, but there are no stressors left - no boxes to live out of and no construction to walk through...), I have had time to myself to think about the rest of my life and have come to the conclusion that I'd like to share it with someone.  I'm ok with being alone, but life is so much fuller when you can talk about your daily wins and struggles with someone you love.  I've put a toe back into the dating scene, which is a terrifying thing to do at any age.  Dating has changed so much since I was younger.  Texting keeps you connected but can also be impersonal and taken out of context.  I do know what I am looking for in a partner- two years alone has given me time to make that list:  

• Loyal
• Passionate and Compassionate
• Intelligent
• Secure in Self
• Funny/Sense of Humor

And I also know what I want in a relationship:

• Equality
• Partnership
• Quality Time - Weekly if not daily
• Same End Goal - Life Partner not hookups
• Respect and Trust (that goes both ways)

"We have all experienced trauma in our life, and we have armored up. 
At some point that armor no longer serves us". - Brene' Brown

In stepping out and being open to someone in my life, I realize I must drop that armor and be open to trusting and being hurt again.  Maybe I'm still naive, but I believe I can still find that person, that soul mate, that partner and share this crazy journey with them.  Baby steps... but I am open to that part of my journey.  One of the things I've just discovered is I really want substance not fluff.  There are many people out there that one can date that you can have fun with but aren't intrigued by.  I want to be intrigued.  I want to seriously enjoy listening to what someone has to say.  I discovered that I'd rather be home working around the house than seeing fluff.  Oooh watch out, at 56 I may still be GROWING!

The other part of this journey to a new and better me, really came about when I decided I wanted to date.  I knew I didn't love myself as much as I had in the past because I'd let myself go in so many ways.  I started a whole health journey two months ago today.

What I've lost in 2 months:

• 26 pounds
• 5" off my bust
• 6" off my waist
• 6.5" off my hips
• 2.5" off my thighs
• 1" off my arms

What I've gained in 2 months:

• CONFIDENCE
• Energy
• A Restoration of Pride and Self Love

I look and feel healthy for the first time in a decade.  Stella's got her groove back and won't let it go ever again.  This transformation of me is sustainable.  I know lasting change is driven by self-acceptance.  I'm there and I'm better that I was last year.  That is all that matters.  I'm living this healhty life out loud.  Proud of what I'm becoming.  Thanks to all that have been there along the way.

Thanks to the substance... that inspired me to write again.  I didn't realize how much I missed this.